Dad's Memorial Service

I still think of Dad every day...numerous times a day. Little things will trigger the thoughts; a song, a picture, a tv show or movie star...he loved old Westerns and John Wayne.  I guess things will get better over time.  Though I know I will always miss him.  I just wonder when I will be able to think of him without tearing up...or crying. 

I found some letters that he wrote to me when I was away at summer church camp while in high school.  They were tucked in my childhood bible.  I loved reading them...loved seeing his handwriting and actually hearing his voice as I read the words. 

I have a voice mail that he left for me after one of his many doctor visits last fall.  It's the only one I have, and I sometimes play it just to pretend his arms are wrapped around me in a great big bear hug.  He gave the best hugs. I love actually hearing his voice...hearing him say, "I love you pumpkin".

I still wrestle with the thought that Dad is really gone.  It's so unfair. 

A couple of people have asked me what I said at his service.  Here's what I wrote and spoke...

"When thinking about what I wanted to say today, I stumbled upon a blog entry that I wrote on September 3 of this year.  I titled it "a flash of life" and this is a part of that entry...

"You know how they say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes?

That happened to me on the day that my Dad called me to tell me that he had cancer, that three tumors had invaded his brain and were wreaking havoc. At that moment, life as I had know it came to an end.

I was in my bedroom that day with Max and Nick when Dad called.  Walking down the stairs, as Dad said the words, "cancer" and "3-5 years",  I sat down on the stairs and my childhood flashed before me.  I saw the fishing trips, the family walks, Christmases and Thanksgivings, the one-on-one talks about life's problems, Dad walking me down the aisle.  I saw the hugs, the laughs, the look of pride on his face when I accomplished something big.  I pictured us all in the car on the way to church.  I saw us all at the beach.  I saw us around the dinner table laughing.  I saw all of these things and thought about how great we have had it.  How blessed we have been.  How perfect our family is.

Then I got mad.  Mad at God.  Mad at Cancer.  Plain old MAD.

Life and death go hand in hand.  It is inevitable that every relationship will end.  This is a very difficult fact of life and one that I still hate even in my adulthood.  A fact that, grips me...squeezes my heart...covers me like a dark cloud.  It seems so unfair.  That all good things must come to an end in our lifetime.

This week I played the song, "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds over and over again.  It's like the musical version of Ecclesiastes 3.  And I realize that this is God's plan. But one day, we will all be reunited again.  We will be together forever...always.  And there will be no cancer, no sadness.  And my Nan and Pop and Grandmother and Grandfather and Miller...and Max and Mom and Dad, Robyn, Nick, Wade and everyone I have ever loved and lost will be there.  We will be happy...and this time, it will never end."

Just before Thanksgiving, I wrote to a good friend and someone I consider a spiritual mentor, Reverend Ken Jackson, in frustration...asking him to help me understand why God would allow my Dad to suffer from cancer, to become crippled by this awful disease.  This is what Ken said to me, " As far as being mad at God... that is understandable. The way I would counsel you is to ask, ' what is it that God has promised us?' has he promised that we would live and never die? has he promised us that we would live lives without sorrow and heartache? no... he has not promised us any of those. what he has promised us is that no matter what we experience in this life he is with us... we are not alone, and he promises that he will draw us closer to him when we cross the threshold from this life into the life we were created to have, life with him.

I know this next thing will be hard for you to hear,  but because of your dad's faith, and because of what I know and understand about God, I think it is incredibly important. Your dad has spent your entire life telling you, teaching you, showing you how to live, and I think he's done an excellent job. Now, your dad is going to spend the rest of his life, teaching you, showing you how to die. He has lived his life as a Christian and now he is moving into the stage of dying as a Christian. That's no small thing Alison. It is easy to have faith when you have a loving wife and two beautiful daughters. It is real faith when a man faces his mortality and still chooses to love God, and to demonstrate his faith on a daily basis.

Last week,  When Ken visited Dad in the hospital.  Ken asked Dad, "Hank, where do you see God in all of this?". Then Dad who had been somewhat uncommunicative and sleeping most of the day, opened his eyes wide and said out loud, "everywhere!" then he whispered over and over..."everywhere, everywhere, everywhere, everywhere..."

My Dad remained a faithful follower and servant until his last breath.  His final lesson to me as a Father was to trust in God and never lose sight of him...even in your darkest hour.

I'd like to close by reading Ecclesiastes 3 verses 1-8 from the King James Bible that my mother gave to my Dad Christmas of 1976."

Random year-end thoughts

The second half of 2011 was bittersweet to say the least.

Max has been the most amazing gift I have ever received and I consider him a wonderful blessing.  He's awesome...so cheerful...so fun...so sweet.  I truly love him with all of my heart.  He is growing up so fast, and I love watching him learn something new every day.  I love hearing his precious babbles as he plays in the mornings while I sip coffee.

Losing Dad on December 3 was the biggest heartbreak I have ever experienced in all of my 38 years.  My Dad was a huge part of my life.  He was such an amazing support to me in all that I did.  His encouragement and unconditional love meant the world to me.  I feel a tremendous void now with him gone, and I'm not sure how I will deal with this deep, deep sadness that I feel.  I have a new obsession with books on Heaven.  I just want to know more about this place that I am sure my Dad is in.  I want to know how happy he is now that he is finally with friends and loved ones that he lost in his lifetime.  I find peace in knowing that he is happy there and that one day I will be reunited with him.  I can't wait for that day.

Dad's death has renewed a sense of family with Nick, Max and me as well as many of our friends and other family members.  Family is so extremely important to me...to Nick too.  Losing Dad at Christmas was especially hard.  Christmas has always been my favorite time of year.  I love every part of it.  The celebration, family reunions, family traditions, decorations and beauty, overall feeling of warmth and the coziness that I associate with this holiday despite outside temperatures.  This year, Mom and I searched for those feelings in various Christmas productions.  All of them were wonderful, but I still felt a huge void.  Nick was in Denver.  Robyn in KC and Dad was gone.  I felt a huge sense of longing...for family closeness.  It almost feels as if Christmas didn't even happen in 2011.

Mom and Dad have some wonderful friends (as do I) and I know that we would not have gotten through the Holidays without them.  The concern they felt for our family was so heart warming.  I truly appreciated all of their efforts.  It just reminded me what a true and good friend is.  I feel a renewed sense of responsibility in being a friend to others.  I have been fortunate enough to renew a friendship with someone that I have been friends with for around 27 years.  Life happened and we grew apart for many years while still remaining in contact.  This year; however, I feel a renewed sense of closeness with her.  She was a great support to me during a very difficult time.  I will forever be grateful to her for that.  I hope that I can return the favor someday...somehow.  I hope she knows how much I love her.  I'm going to try to tell her as often as I can.  Friends are just another branch on our family tree when you think of it.

While waiting for my luggage last night at the Denver airport, I saw a beautiful golden retriever who had just made a long flight home.  Yogi was sitting outside of his kennel while his mommy waited for her bags as well.  He was so gentle and sweet and let me pet him while Max babbled at him.  It made me think of and miss Miller a lot.   Dogs have a wonderful way of offering comfort and unconditional love when we need it most.  Their gentle faces, happy tails and endless willingness to snuggle have always made me happy.  One day we will have another dog in our family (when Max is a little older) and I look forward to that.

Nick and I have been experiencing some difficulties as we try to sort out our finances and job situations.  I so desperately do not want to go back to work and leave Max in daycare.  But our finances almost demand it at this point.  Frustrating.   I really do wish that money grew on trees and that I had a forest of them in my back yard.

I have some New Years resolutions.  Normally I don't really bother with them.  It's just usually something I vow to do and then almost immediately forget about.  This year is different I think.  Here they are:

1. Find a church home.  Not just a church that we visit on Sundays...but one that we are really a part of.  I want Max to grow up knowing God.  It's important to me that we instill Christian values in our family and that Max sees us as good Christian parents.  
2. Get financially healthy again.  Many things have put us in our current situation...divorces, a new family member, new house, job loss, and just plain old stupidity.  It sort of had a snowball effect.  But again, I want Max to see his parents as fiscally responsible.  My parents were.  I don't know why I have allowed myself to stray from these values so easily.  It's time to get back on track.  I believe that we can and that we will.
3. Create a home in our house.  What I mean by that is, I have been feeling like our house is just not warm.  It lacks that homey feeling that I get when at home in Mom's house in Alabama.  It feels cold.  I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish this, but I at least have it down as a goal.  No matter where we live, I want this to be a priority.  I think it is important for Max to feel like he has a secure and cozy home.  I want him to find peace and comfort in his house...with his parents.  
4. Renew my relationship with Nick.  Having a baby, losing a job, being broke and losing my Dad are just a few of the things that have sort of taken their toll on my relationship with Nick.  I should not have allowed that, but I did.  Not consciously mind you...but as I look back on the year and where we are now, I see that it's time for Nick and me to renew our vows to each other...figuratively speaking.  I love Nick so very much.  He's a wonderful husband and father.  I cannot imagine my life without him.  I want to make sure he knows that every day.
5. Move back to the South.  This is one that Nick might not necessarily agree with, but I feel a strong pull to go back home...to the South.  That is where I feel my roots are.  The majority of our family lives there really, and I just feel happy when I am there.  Maybe my Dad's illness and death have a lot to do with that, but I cannot deny the urge.  I guess this should not be a resolution...it's more of a wish really.  But I am wishing really hard.  ;)

I have hope that 2012 will bring happiness, peace and lots of laughter to our home.  I hope that you experience these things as well in the new year.  

Happy New Year!

A Flash of Life

You know how they say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes?

I have had that happen to me twice in the past month.  Neither time was pleasant...but I'm still here.

The first was the day that my Dad called me to tell me that he had cancer, that three tumors had invaded his brain and were wreaking havoc.

I was in my bedroom with Max and Nick when Dad called.  Walking down the stairs, as Dad said the words, "cancer" and "3-5 years",  I sat down on the stairs and my childhood flashed before me.  I saw the fishing trips, the family walks, Christmases and Thanksgivings, the one-on-one talks about life's problems, Dad walking me down the aisle.  I saw the hugs, the laughs, the look of pride on his face when I accomplished something big.  I pictured us all in the car on the way to church.  I saw us all at the beach.  I saw us around the dinner table laughing.  I saw all of these things and thought about how great we have had it.  How blessed we have been.  How perfect our family is.

Then I got mad.  Mad at God.  Mad at Cancer.  Plain old MAD.

The second time was yesterday, as we were putting my beloved dog, Miller, to rest.   As he lay there in the living room, with Nick and me holding him, I saw all of the wonderful times I have had with him.  I saw the first moment I laid eyes on him as David raised him from a bush and said, "here's a boy!"  I pictured the time he waddled out of the bathroom after gorging himself on puppy chow...belly round and fat as a tick.  I saw him grinning at me with his snaggle tooth grin.  I pictured the many hikes we have been on and how he would run ahead of us so excited to be exploring new territory...always doubling back to check on us as if to say, "wait 'til you get up there...it's amazing!"  I pictured him when we would take him to the lake...he loved the water so much and would always pause briefly...then charge toward the water and leap in an excited belly flop into it ready to fetch his ball over and over and over.  I pictured him consoling me whenever I was going through a hard time.  He hated it when I cried.  I saw the times he would pace the living room as it was thundering...and how he would come to me and lean on me for comfort.  He also hated thunderstorms.  But I would love on him until the storm had passed and he would be ready for our next adventure.

As the vet administered the drug, I cried.  I sobbed.  I wept over the loss of this wonderful friend and companion as he took his last breath on the floor in front of me.  I thanked God for giving him to me, and I told Miller I would see him again one day...waiting for me in Heaven with a ball...ready to fetch again.  And this time his body would be perfect; it would not fail him, and he would have never-ending energy.  His body would be restored and my sweet Miller and I would be a family again.

Life and death go hand in hand.  It is inevitable that every relationship will end.  This is a very difficult fact of life and one that I still hate even in my adulthood.  A fact that, grips me...squeezes my heart...covers me like a dark cloud.  It seems so unfair.  That all good things must come to an end in our lifetime.

This week I played the song, "Turn! Turn! Turn!" by The Byrds over and over again.  It's like the musical version of Ecclesiastes 3.  And I realize that this is God's plan. But one day, we will all be reunited again.  We will be together forever...always.  And there will be no sadness.  And my Nan and Pop and Grandmother and Grandfather and Miller...and Max and Mom and Dad, Robyn, Nick, Wade and everyone I have ever loved and lost will be there.  We will be happy...and this time, it will never end.

Weekly dinner menu

When my neighbor brought over a large box of peaches last night I began thinking about what I would make with them.  I LOVE peaches...I'm from the South and lived in GA for a while so peaches are definitely a summer staple.  When planning my peachy recipes I started thinking about what we would eat all week, so I came up with my menu.  I have to use the organic veggies that we have delivered each week as well as what I had in my freezer.  I made my grocery list based on the few things I needed to complete each recipe.  So here's the plan...


Tonight- Bobby Flay's Cheyenne Burgers, grilled corn on the cobb and dinner salad...and maybe some peach bars for dessert for me...and ice cream and homemade chocolate chip cookies for Nick.

Sat-Mommy's night off...kitchen closed!

Sunday- Pioneer Woman's Country Fried Steak and Smashed Potatoes and my roasted zuccini

Monday-PW Perfect Pot Roast with her cheese grits

Tuesday-PW's Peach BBQ chicken, Collard Greens, Smashed Potatoes, Momma's skillet cornbread, Nan's Peach Cobbler with homemade vanilla ice cream and of course SWEET TEA! (I'm having some girlfriends over for dinner thus the big spread!)

Wednesday- Espresso and Cream's Lemon Brown Sugar Chicken with Nick's Fried Rice

Thursday-homemade Margerita Pizza using PW pizza crust recipe

Friday...clean out the fridge night!  We are leaving town for two weeks...and headed home to Alabama for some more soul food!

I'm gonna need some extra time in the gym to make up for all of this yumminess!

If you ever need dinner ideas...call me!  I love planning menus!!

Life with Max...

Wow...it's been a while since I have posted here.  But life with Max is so busy!  It's awesome!!!

Max is amazing, fun, funny, sweet, sometimes tiring but always perfect.  I honestly cannot imagine loving someone more than I love that kid.  If this is a fraction of what God feels for us then...WOW!  

We do a lot together.  We go to the gym, the mall, grocery store, restaurants, church, mountains, park...he's a busy little guy!!

Things that Max has accomplished so far in his short little life...

• smiling
• laughing
• talking...ok...baby babbling
• drooling a ton
• almost rolling over...he gets on his side
• sleeps 6 hrs at a time at night
• he has discovered his hands and is completely fascinated by them
• flirting...I swear, he's a ladies man already!

I feel truly blessed to have my son in my life.  He has made things so much more fun, more rewarding.  I can't imagine life without him.  

We are heading to Alabama and Florida in September to visit with family.  I cannot wait to show him around the South.  I think he is going to love the beach.  I know I will love showing it to him.

Here are some pics of the past month or so...

The Amazing Max

I still cannot get over how much I love this kid.

An old college friend, Bonnie, once told me that when you have a child you will love them more than you can possibly imagine...more than you love your dog!  I couldn't fathom loving any being more than I loved my Miller man.  I trusted Bonnie though...she had Charlie after all, and I knew she  really loved that little dog.  Bonnie also got married and had 4 adorable children.  Can you imagine the love in that house?!

Well Bonnie, you were right.  I simply ADORE my son.  I'm convinced that there is not a better feeling in the world than waking up every day to a smiling child...YOUR OWN smiling child.

Max and I are very lucky to be able to hang out with each other all day.  This is due to an unexpected event back in the fall when I lost my job.  I wasn't planning on being a stay at home mom, but now I know that God had a great plan in store for me.  I'm so thankful for this opportunity.  To watch my son grow up each day.  To be there when he wakes up, eats, goes to sleep, smiles, holds his head up and continues to learn something new daily.

I love snuggling in bed with him in the mornings.  I love taking him on our daily walks.  I love hanging out with him and talking to him and watching him watch me.  I love being able to hear the cute little sounds he makes as he discovers his voice.

Sure, sometimes I get lonely.  I crave adult time during the day occasionally.  That was one of the things I loved about my job...the people I worked with.  But now I have a very special person to be with each day, and I can't imagine leaving him to be with anyone else.

Max is teaching me all kinds of things about myself.  I'm more patient than I ever thought.  I'm more laid back than I ever thought.  I am capable of a love that I never knew was possible.  Nick and I are good parents...maybe even great ones.  We love this new job in life.  We have fully embraced it and are not looking back at what life once was for us.

I'm so excited about our future.  I'm so thankful for God's amazing gift...the Amazing Max.

"Dad is great! Gives us the chocolate cake..."

In honor of the upcoming Father's Day holiday, I thought I would write about my Baby Daddy, Nick.

When Nick and I started dating, I knew right away that I wanted to have kids with him.  If you have met and spent time with Nick, you know what a funny and charismatic guy he can be.

He had me at "hello"...seriously.

Fast forward like, way too many years later, and here we are.  A family of three +.  The + is for the furry kids; "the trainers."  They had a hand in getting us ready for poop, puke, crying and worrying.  Thanks Miller, Jett and Ellie.  We learned a lot...about poop, puke, crying, worrying and most of all, patience!

Back to Nick...

Nick has grown a lot since we met and started dating.  (And who am I kidding, so have I.)  At one point he expressed concern over becoming a father...would he be patient enough, tender enough, loving enough...selfless enough??

I can answer that now.  Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes.

Nick is a great father.  And by "great", I mean, SUPER GREAT!  He loves Max with a very special Daddy kind of love.  He's so patient, so loving, so soft with him.  He talks to him, explains things to him, reads to him, kisses him, changes his diapers without complaint, takes him in the early mornings so that little Max will fall asleep on his chest for that last two hours.  He consoles him and comforts him and soothes his little tears. He's extremely protective and nurturing.  He makes googly faces at him and makes him smile.  He LOVES holding him when we go out in public.  He's a proud Papa for sure.  (Although I suspect it has something to do with the fact that when holding Max, all the ladies come up and talk to tell him what a cute baby he has!)

I love my family.  I love family time.  Life is great as the Pepito three.

Thank you Nick for giving me the greatest gift of all...our son; our family.

Happy Father's Day!  We love you!!

Max and Al

*Oh, in case you were wondering, the title of this post is a reference to a Bill Cosby stand-up routine he did a long time ago.  SO funny.